My head is swimming with talk about "flavor crystals."

It started with Folgers Coffee. In the commercials, these "magical" crystals made freeze-dried instant crap taste as good as what the Fancy Shmancy restaurants serve.

Now I hear these flavor crystals are what make Cinniburst gum so damn strong.

Are both these advertisements talking about the same crystals? What magical crystal would enhance the taste of coffee AND chewing gum?

If some new miracle crystal had been discovered, don't you think we'd have heard about it?

And if it's so great, why can't we buy it separately? I'd like to see what it can do for grape soda. What are they hiding from us!? Maybe it's something truly secret and mystical…like the muppet-guarded The Dark Crystal.

I bet it's salt, though. Salt is a flavor crystal. So is sugar. And sugar could certainly enhance the taste of coffee or gum. Could the whole ad campaign revolve around a euphemistic name for "sugar"?

But what else could it be?

Sugar, salt…are there any other miracle crystals out there ?

Oh, wait…crystal meth.

That clears things up a bit.

No wonder that gum is so fucking good.