The Fred Conspiracy
by D

I'm shaking from what I've discovered. The implications of the information that has come to light are staggering. It's a conspiracy within a conspiracy. I'm still sorting it all out in my mind. I'm processing this as I think about it, so if this seems a little disjointed, it's because I'm thinking as I write.

This past weekend, I was at my brother's place and we had just gotten high. We were leaving when he said, "Yabba dabba doo." But, and this is where things start to get weird, he said it in Scooby Doo's voice. Within the next day, I realized what this meant.

"Yabba Dabba Doo"

"Scooby Doobie Doo"

Same amount of syllables and quite nearly the same sound and everything. In my mind, this "coincidence" warranted more analysis.

I started to think about the characters in both cartoons. First and foremost, Fred Flintstone. Well now, what a coincidence, the leader of the group on the Scooby Doo show is also named Fred. Not only that, but Fred Flintstone wears an orange shirt (with black spots) with a bluish tie/cravat type thing while Fred from Scooby Doo wears a bluish shirt (under a white sweater) with an orange tie/cravat thing. They're exactly reversed. Coincidence? Oh, I think not.

But the rabbit hole goes deeper.

What about Fred Flintstone's wife? Her name is Wilma. Hmmmm, interesting. Who do we have on Scooby Doo? That's right the little brainiac, Velma. And don't you find it interesting that Velma isn't as cute as Daphne just as Wilma isn't as cute as Betty? Hmmm? Oh come on, you know that Betty is cuter. She's got those nice big eyes and the dark hair. Wilma doesn't have shit on her. And Daphne... holy cow! Have you seen the rack on her? Don't get me wrong, both Wilma and Velma have the brains in both cartoons. I'm just trying to say that those names are getting a bad rap. How have these cartoons warped us? We all watched them as kids. Do we all have a bias against people named either Wilma or Velma? Did they do that to make us prejudiced against people from Norway? How come Velma had such little style and that dorky haircut?

Furthermore, need I even point out the similarities between Shaggy and Barney? They're both the comic relief of each cartoon. And, and, AND there names both end in "Y". As in, "Why are these two always being pushed around?" They both get bullied by their respective Freds. I don't get it. Can't the guy with the "y" in his name get a little respect too? We all know that in surfer terminology a "barney" is a kook just as we know that a "betty" is a hot little surfer bunny. What does that mean? Is this something cooked up by all of the Freds in the world? Are the Freds quietly biding their time and taking over the world little by little? Are these cartoons merely meant to condition us to the superiority of Fred?

Finally, perhaps the most damning evidence of cartoon tampering; Dino and Scooby Doo. These two are just pawns in a game. We all felt bad for Dino when we'd see him get kicked out of the house at night. Scooby is just a scared dog for Christ's sake and they're having him chase ghosts? What's the deal with that. I'm seeing animal rights being violated left and right here. I think that the makers of this cartoon want us to feel bad for these two. They want us to relate to these two "dogs" because that's what we are to them; dogs. I know I'm on to something.

What about all that supernatural stuff happening on Scooby Doo? They're chasing ghosts because Fred is fascinated by them. Fred Flintstone is the same way. He has his little green friend, Gazoo (I think his name was) that only he could see. I don't know what to make of this, but I think it's something about the contact that those named Fred have had with extra-terrestrial beings. Wait a minute, maybe "Fred" is an alien name? Whatever the deal is, the Freds are definitely in cahoots with aliens.

I've played the two theme songs together backwards and forwards and I'm pretty sure I can just here Robert Plant's voice saying something about cheese and the illuminati in Gorky Park with alien goat dwarves when the two are played simultaneously backwards. Really, really freaky.

I'm not really sure what to make of all this, but I know that there has to be some sort of deep conspiracy going on here. Maybe the aliens need cheese and the illuminati are going to give it to them. I don't know, but I think that the leaders of the illuminati are all named Fred. It's too strange to even believe. I'm not even sure if I should've told all of you about this. Shit. Forget what you've just read. Expunge it from your minds and never think of it again. This is information that no one should have to bear. I must bear it alone.

Just promise me that when the alien goat dwarves come from the planet Gazoo to destroy me that this secret will be destroyed with me.

Oh, and fuck you Fred. I can't believe you're involved in this whole fucking mess.

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