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So I got my first real massage.
Sure, I've had massages as part of the mating ritual. Massage is great as foreplay that's not really foreplay. You know what I'm talking about. Its almost as widely used as the yawn-stretch-transition-to-putting-your-arm-around-your-date (and just as cheesy).
I'm talking about that awkward time after the Waiting to Exhale video is over. The tape is whirring in remind mode. You both want to jump each other's bones, but that transition from non-physical event (watching a movie) to physical event (sweaty romping) is so difficult.
I know you've done it:
"Owww."
"What?"
"Oh, I'm just really sore from (insert macho activity here)"
"where?"
"right…there"
"here?"
"oooh, that feels good."
Tada! You've broken the safety seal and are now officially touching each other. You can use this same dialog if you happen to be directing a porn movie. Just fade in some "ChiPs-style" 70's porno music as your protagonist removes his shirt.
But I digress.
I was talking about a REAL massage. A therapeutic massage by a licensed massage therapist.
I was naked, covered only by a sheet. Pleasant Windham Hill music played while a woman rubbed my body. Yes, she was a therapist doing her job. No, she was not particularly attractive. But, C'mon!? I'm pretty open about nudity and my body. But trying to process a woman's hands rubbing my inner thighs as NON-SEXUAL contact took some getting used to. I was afraid of getting an erection. Eventually I relaxed and really got into it. I could feel my body become liquid and relaxed. My mind drifted away to a land of meadows and daisies. Then the masseuse broke the spell by telling me,
"You're one of the most not-free people I've ever worked on."
Wh!!??
I mean, sure, I was having a little issue with the nudity thing. But I think I worked through it. I was seriously upset. I pride myself on being a very free person. I could feel my muscles tighten. I kept running her words through my head. Face down on the massage table, stewing over, "not-free…not-free…not-free" Crap. That's like the biggest insult you could give me. Call me a jerk or a pedophile…but "not-free"!!?
5 minutes passed. Then something occurred to me.
"When you said I was 'not-free' did you mean 'K.N.O.T'?"
"Yeah. Your muscles are very loose. You have almost no knots."
Heh, oh. Riiiight. I'm glad I didn't tell her about my erection.
First time Skydiving!
First time to Graceland
First time on a Gameshow
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Prehensile Tales thinks the name 'Miracle Whip' sounds a bit cocky. |
Copyright © 1998 Prehensile Tales.
