Approximately 7 years ago, I started throwing parties that had
"boarding" times. The invite said, "The ship leaves at 10…latecomers
will NOT be allowed on board."
The purpose was this:
Even though you don't change physical locations, a party can be
a journey. As people drink, talk, and get to know each other,
boundaries relax. Hopefully conversations go down unexplored avenues.
People feel comfortable dancing or singing to a song aloud.
A Vibe is created.
As people become more comfortable in that vibe, it intensifies.
People may shed inhibitions, not out of intoxication, but due
to comfort. People share poetry. People share secrets. People
surrender to the experience.
My goal is to create a vibe where, if I wanted to, I could take
my pants off and not freak people out. (I rarely go through with
the "pants-removal" test, but it is a good goal.)
But that kind of Vibe is very difficult to create or maintain
when new elements are constantly added to the mix.
I have been to too-many gatherings that were ruined by someone's
late, drunken arrival. The Vibe just shifts a bit. Suddenly the
person dancing in their underwear and the blue boa feels a bit
naked and slips their pants back on.
Not that the latecomer wouldn't be more-than-welcome at another
gathering. But they are like someone who shows up in the middle
of a movie and needs to filled in on the plot so far. It's not
a malicious act, by any means, but it does detract from the movie-watching
experience. It pulls you out of the cinematic journey. And a late
arrival to a party can have similar effects.
Note: This "boarding time" idea is NOT ALWAYS a party rule. Only
for occasions where a special kind of group intimacy is desired.
(For example, on this evening, the birthday girl had requested
late night spankings. A good spanking requires intimacy.)
When it is going to be a "boarding-time" party, we send out email
invitations and explain the expectations on the invite.
And, I enforce the rules.
Last night, some drunken neighbors crashed our party somewhere
around 3:30 in the morning. They started talking with people who
were outside smoking and apparently were invited inside by someone.
It was tough. Part of me wants to extend loving, open arms to
everyone on the planet. But they weren't invited, it will change
the vibe, and I think it betrays the confidence and trust the
rest of the party has been building the last 5 hours or so.
So I politely explained to him that this was a closed, costume,
birthday party. I even explained the concept of a boarding time
and why my asking him to leave had nothing to do with him personally.
It is simply part of the theme of the party. I told him that I
looked forward to another time when we can all be on the journey
together, and I wished him well.
I try to deal with situations like that with the Aikido mentality.
I don't want to meet their energy head-on and create a conflict…I
simply want to redirect their energy. In this case, redirect it
out the door.
Forty-five minutes later he returned to the party. I found him
sitting in the living room listening to music. If he weren't there,
the party would have passed the pants test. So I asked him, very
nicely, to leave. He refused.
I asked the DJ to cut the music and I think the abruptness snapped
him out of his stupor a little. He walked to the door while condemning
my attitude and lack of openness.
I apologized, wished him well, and locked the door behind him.
Dandelions may be beautiful flowers. But you have to weed them
out if you're trying to grow roses.
I wish I didn't have to do it. I wish he didn't put me in that
situation. But I'm not going to let one person's intrusion detract
from our group journey. I'm glad he is interested in our vibe.
Perhaps another time he can participate. I wish the whole world
could come to the party and have a group hug together. But I don't
think we're ready, yet.
Patience.
I'm sorry if that sounds elitist or cold. I just don't want to
water down an experience in exchange for being all-inclusive.
You wouldn't think of inviting yourself into someone's bedroom
while they were having sex…it would ruin their intimacy. And I
think a party can be a similarly intimate experience.
Protect the Vibe, by any means necessary.
