"What? Halcyon, you two-faced, hypocritical bastard!"

Hold on. True…I am personally a huge fan of porn. ("Huge" referring to the level of my enthusiasm…not the size of my genitalia.) And I'm not saying I want to change anything. It's just that porn availability has changed so dramatically since my youth, that I wonder about the long-term affects on children's minds.

The world of porn is as magical and surreal as Willy Wonka's world. And as the blueberry girl painfully learned, you must *respect* the bounty. Whether it's candy, porn, or whatever.

My respect for porn was hard-earned.

Years of porn prohibition taught me to respect the flesh-filled miracle of pornography. My youth was spent huddled around forbidden, well-worn Playboy hand-me-downs. Porn was something to be revered.

What would I be like if I had a limitless supply of porn through the Internet when I was a young pup? Would I be a chaffed, dysfunctional little boy?

"Can Johnny come out and play, Mrs. Styn?"

"No, Johnny is, um…'working' on the computer again. Heh, we're hoping it's just a phase."

Or would Porn become blasé. Like how booze is to Europeans. The day that I say, "No Big Woop" to a page of porn will be a very sad day. And I worry the world's youth are headed in that direction.

Don't get me wrong, I'm all for easy access to Porn...but in the same way I'm for easy access to Marijuana. Neither one is good for a twelve year old.

It's all about balance.

On the upside, maybe if the kids start down the smut trail from an early age, they'll be more critical consumers later in life. No longer will porn buyers settle for passé pizza-delivery scenarios and crappy film quality. Anything that raises the quality level of porn is a good thing. So perhaps I'm wrong to fret. Maybe this porn revolution is just a necessary step in the evolution of porn. Perhaps the future Spielberg of porn is huddled in his room right now. Chaffing himself as we speak.

Like always, Whitney Houston was right: "I believe the children are the future. Teach them well and let them lead the way."

Well, young Spielbergs, if I can impart with you one lesson to help you through the wonderfully overwhelming porn universe, it's this: Nivea Hand Lotion.