Have you seen these Biore or Ponds nose-strips? They're like pieces of tape you put on your nose. Then when you pull it off, it pulls out all the grime that is clogging your pores. You can actually look at the strip and see the little plugs of dirt that were sucked out of your skin. They look like tiny worms sticking out from the adhesive…plucked from their parasitic hold in your skin.

     I love how the manufacturers prey upon our "car crash" instincts. We have the same instinct with personal hygiene that we do with car crashes. We want to look at the wreckage. We look in the bowl after we crap and we look at the kleenex after we blow. The nose-strip folks have introduced a whole new way to examine the car crashes of our bodily wastes.

     Except we become dependent on the strips to rid ourselves of these dirt demons. It is fantastic marketing. Before Nose Strips (or "BNS"), we didn't even know our noses were possessed. Now we can't get the thought out of our heads!!! Ok. I can't get it out of my head.

     I see those little dirt segments and freak out. Those were there AFTER I washed my face!? Yikes! I'll never be clean!! I run back into the bathroom with some Clorox, an old brick wrapped in sandpaper and start scrubbing.! AHH get it off! GET IT OUT OF ME! I feel like there are millions of tiny cancers filling every pore. Little foreign bodies burrowed beneath my flesh. AHHHH! Get it out!

     Alas…bleeding and raw, I realize: Scrubbing won't work.

     I can't get clean! UNLESS I use the Biore strip to suck out the evil . And these strips are like a buck a piece. That's an expensive daily routine.

     And somehow I don't think my insurance plan is gonna cover it. Maybe if I creatively describe it on my insurance forms: "$512 - Dermatology aid for pore excavation." That won't work…it sounds more like I'm applying for a building permit.

     I need another solution.

     So last night I tried to see if regular ol' tape would work as good as those Biore strips. I tried masking tape and some yellow post-it notes. But neither had strong enough adhesive. So I tried it this morning with A roll of silver, industrial duct tape. And since I hated the idea of ONLY cleaning my nose, I covered my entire body and face with the tape. Heh…it turns out that duct tape is pretty strong.

     So if anyone has a pair of scissors around and a steady hand…could ya help me out. Please? I'm the one whimpering, stuck to my chair, and looking a lot like the Tin Man.

     But damn if my pores aren't gonna be clean.