Vibe Me, Baby III This is the third installment of Prehensile Paging. Any message you type on the pager contact page appears anonomously on my hip in about 10 seconds or so. The messages make milk come out my nose during meals and give me erections during business meetings. I always have it on me, and,yes, I always have it set on "vibrate." Here are some of the more memorable recent pages (in bold) and my responses:

Halcyon, Almost all the guys I sleep with tell me I have the prettiest muff they've ever seen. Do you think they're just saying that?

Genitalia compliments are not something to be taken lightly. The "Prettiest Muff" title is not thrown around in jest. It is simply not done. Be proud.


Hey, you great big tasty lug - you just made my boss laugh and got me a promotion WITHOUT having to sleep with him ... NOW what am I going to do with all the K-Y I bought?

Um, not to be too obvious but, have you checked the LoinMeter lately?


Hey, are you my father?

Only if you're mother is a sheep.


Hey,would you suggest the pager as the "modern alternative" to the common vibrator?

Hardly. The little batteries make pleasant vibes, sure, but lack the "enthusiasm" that a plug-in model can provide.


Halcyon, I am turning 27 this week and am embarassed to admit that I have yet to do a threesome. I am the mockery of my friends and family. Would you consider setting up a dating service for lonely muffs like me?

(2 days later)
Hey, So I was quickly scanning my sexual exploits "To Do" list when I noticed two conspicuous absences: a threesome, and sex with you. Maybe sex with you in a threesome?

Well, it looks the Prehensile Fantasy Service is already underway! Why don't we all meet here, say, 8ish? Unless both those pages came from the same person?…and that person was…? I keep telling you, boss, this is sexual harrassment!


Hey, would you do for a klondike bar?

A better question is, "Who would I kill for a Klondike bar?"


Hey baby, if I pleasure you orally.. {BJ} will you do my taxes? puhleeze!!!

Can I use the 10-40 EZ form? I'm not doing itemized deductions.


Hey you dirty whore, why don't you ever page me? This isn't a one sided relationship you know... I hate you... I wish that we were never together....

That's so easy for you to say, you never wanted this to work…you sabotaged our relationship with your constant nagging. Bitch.


Halcyon, I wanted to write and tell your readers about an amazing discovery. Not only can I lick my own breasts, but yesterday after months of exercise, I succesfully went down on myself. It is possible!! Good luck to the rest of you.

Amen, sister. I'm with you in spirit. And let me know if you need me to hold your purse or anything.


What's up with those brightly colored paint-splats on the interstate? Are they some freaky new form of crop circles?

Are those in your town, too? My understanding is that "The Freeway Rorchak project" is phase 2 of Clinton's "Bring Psychiatry onto the Highways" campaign.


How many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie roll pop?

3 and one crunch


And more importantly, how many drinks does it take to decide that you would like nothing more than for someone to pop a hole through your nipple?

Also "3 and 1 crunch"

Hungry for more? Vibe Me, Baby I and 2 are aching to be read.

And last week's tale, "Springtime in my Trousers," is worth a groin-torquing chuckle.

Of course, you could always just vibe me.

Prehensile Tales always has it set on vibrate.

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Copyright © 1998 Prehensile Tales.

d e s i g n by h a l c y o n