MTV is following my brother around as a part of a documentary on people who live their lives (and have sex) online (He lives in TheRealHouse.com) Last nite an MTV film crew followed a bunch of us dancing at Club Hedonism. So surreal. They filmed us dancing and earlier I was interviewed...and I think all went well. Since the producer of this documentary also worked on MTV's "Sex in the 90's" series, I have this fear is that somehow we come across like those long-haired brothers from the "Sex" series that had a van with a mattress in the back. Creepy.

3.28.2001 While looking into renting an RV for Burning Man this year, I stumbled upon a site that played Van Halen's "Jump" on every page of their site. The digitized/electronic version of this song was truly haunting. (Although when I visited the site today the song no longer played? Could it all have been some wonderful dream?) For the record, I've ranked the following Jump songs: 1. "Jump Around" - House of Pain, 2. "Jump" - Van Halen, 3. "Jump (for my love)" - Pointer Sisters, and 4. "Jump" - Kriss Kross (they are totally krossed out, ya know). Next, I will rank all "Jiggy" songs.

3.27.2001 Mi hermano posted a wonderful birthday note to our Dad. My Dad turned 60 yesterday. And he still has ripped abs. He's an amazing man and the most honest man I know...and until last year he was a lawyer. He would drive miles back to a store if he realized they had given him too much change in order to return it. I guess it was to prove a point to his kids. It worked. I hope I never underestimate the influence of my actions on children. Now he's a judge - and I feel better knowing that he's helping interpret laws and sentences in a system that I think needs improvement. Happy Birthday Dad - you're awesome. Thanks for pointing me in the right direction...

3.23.2001 My 89 year-old grandpa is simply the grooviest guy I know. My brother even set a page up for him on Diaryland. This from an e-mail he sent today: "As you can see Old age to me is not a punishment but a privilege;not a defeat but a victory. Take care of your bodies and seek a balance in working, loving, playing and worshiping. You are daily in my visualizing thoughts of you and your life laboratory, as you invest yourselves." -Caleb

3.22.2001 Jen and I were watching a friendly show about a bunch of friends that all live by their friends and hang out with their friends and the characters on the show were playing a game where they tried to name all 50 states in 6 minutes. After the show was over and we finished our burritos, we decided to try it. I didn't think I'd be close - I'm simply not good at geography and I never had to learn it in school. I love maps, but I'm not good at geography. In fact, I'm not that good at any "-graphy"'s. Photography, Cartography, um..., Geography, oh said that...um... nope, not any of 'em. ANYway, I decided my best bet was to list the states alphabetically, and Jen decided to think of the layout of the United States in her head. More than six minutes passed. I was missing 8. Eight?! That is pathetic...and my pre-dinner cocktail doesn't quite explain such a poor performance. I began thinking of baseball teams (thank you Minnesota Twins) and co-workers (Al went to school in Indiana, his girlfriend Lisa is from Texas, etc.) Shockingly, when I looked up, I had 51 states! (Turns out Washington DC is a trick state.) Regardless, I had done it! In a gallant effort, Jen is still trying to think of 2 more states. I just peeked at her paper, shhh - she still needs Maryland and Kansas. Don't tell her I told you. Her patriotism is now quite suspect to me. (Note to self: Jen may be a communist) Can you name all 50 states?

ooookay

3.21.2001 As I was heading into work today I saw some grafitti spray painted on an electical box. It read, "END HATE". While I like the message - I have a feeling it's not really penetrating the folks that need to hear this call to action. "Damn Jews! Damn Gays! Damn... hmmm... the electrical box has a point." While I'm critiquing public messaging, it's safe to say that the phrase "Say No To Drugs" has lost all meaning. Case in point - this quote is printed on the plastic urinal deodorant cake holders. First of all, is this an effective placement? Second of all, do you want your public service message being urinated on?

3.19.2001 I hear a lot of talk about gateway drugs. Some argue that marijuana or alcohol are gateway drugs -- and by using those drugs, it serves as a "gateway" to pursue other drugs. Well, that's just wrong. There is one gateway "drug" that precedes all others. Getting dizzy. Do you remember spinning around and around as fast you can... and then laughing and falling to the ground. (Sound a bit like being really drunk and/or stoned?) Once you realize that altering your reality is fun, the floodgates open. "Hey, it's fun to make my head feel silly. And the nausea is only temporary!" Bam! You're hooked. If the drug war is ever "won", you'll see a lot of Phish fans spinning around on the lawn.

This weekend I was watching the National Geographic special, "Tigers of the Snow" about the "Siberian Tiger. During the amazing special, scientists used tiger urine on several occasions. One time they used gloves soaked in tiger urine (available at REI?) to handle a tiger cub and another time they used it to coat a huge model tiger to monitor a tiger's reactions to a different scent. They show a scientist painting the model with a big mason jar of tiger urine. Um.... where does one get a mason jar of tiger urine? From what I understand, it's not like milking a cow...

3.15.2001 I bit my lip. Wha? How many times a day do I chew? And suddenly, my rhthym is so messed up that I take a big bite of my lower lip? It just doesn't make any sense. I'm pretty comfortable chewing, in fact, I'm almost positive I'll eat a complete meal without needing to address a self-inflicted wound. Yet somehow I miss my burrito and bite my lip instead? Then, my body (which usually works very hard to protect me) makes the area I've hurt larger. LARGER? Now, I'm sure to bite it again!! Why would you do this (question directed at my mouth)? When I bite my lip, make it smaller so I don't bite it again. Have it retreat like a scared turtle to his shell. Then again, considering it's placement square between my teeth, I rarely bite my tongue. How do I miss it?

3.14.2001 Not to be too morbid - but another death has caught my eye. Glenn Hughes passed away. How odd it must have been to always be known as the "moustachioed-biker guy from the Village People". Now that was a great boy-band.

3.13.2001 Morton Downey Jr. died yesterday. I know what you're thinking? How will this affect the NASDAQ? Well... time will tell. You were probably also thinking - isn't he the guy who used to chain smoke on his trash TV talk-show and blow smoke at people he didn't like? I don't mean to sound callous, but his family said they were, "shocked" at his passing. Um...remember all of the smoking? It's my understanding that smoking from age 11 until 65 will give you some health problems. In his defense, he did become an anti-smoking advocate over the past couple years. Like other trailblazing entertainers such as Mister Ed (who paved the way for the talking animal mega-stars like the Budweiser Frogs and Babe the Pig) or Herbie the Love Bug, (who broke the glass ceiling on automotive celebrites for folks such as Knight Rider's K.I.T.T. and that one cartoon, and...um...tons more) 'Mort the Mouth' gave slimey TV serpents such as Jerry Springer a thriving environment to, well, thrive.

3.11.2001 Ollie, Bennett, Stargirl and I were writing the daily poll for CollegeClub.com when someone asked the question, “Would you want to be the opposite gender for one month?” Without hesitation I said, “Of course.” All eyes looked at me as if there was more to say. “Well… I’ve always wanted to enjoy what a female orgasm feels like.” Ollie calmly and confidently replied, “It’s like a Q-tip.” All eyes (now puzzled) quickly shifted to Ollie. “It’s just like using a Q-tip in your ear. Same thing.” Kaya - “Well, I love the way that feels. I definitely want to be a woman for a month.” Bennett said he didn’t enjoy using a Q-tip that much. It was no big deal to him. Ollie – “You’ve got to take your time…you know, light some candles…” Kaya – “Take a shower first, kinda warm yourself up. Then take the Q-tip and just sort of tease around your ear a little – don’t just jam it inside. You’ve got to be comfortable and relaxed. You may even want to lick the Q-tip first” Ollie – “Yeah, maybe use a mirror… embrace that this is your ear.” Kaya – “And your ear is beautiful and sensual and ready to have this pleasure.” Stargirl just laughed. At times my job is incredibly fun. Needless to say, the poll will be up on the site this week.

3.9.2001 Does anyone still write in cursive? Is "handwriting" still taught in school? Man, I hate reading cursive. It's awful. Do you write in cursive? Stop it. It's not faster and it's definitely not clearer. Unless your super good - which means it takes you way too long to write - it's difficult to read. Besides, how can you support a type of writing that makes a Q like the number 2? And the capital 'G'? And the lower case 'r'? And the lower case 'z'? (although I try not to refer to them as "upper" and "lower" case - it reeks of classism) I guess I can trace all this well-meaning anger back to learning cursive with the name "Jimmy". Have you ever tried to write the name "Jimmy" in cursive? Just when you get going, you have to put down, like 14 humps to get the double 'm' in there. It's like having a twitch in your hand everytime you try to write your name. It ends up looking like seismograph during an earthquake.

3.8.2001 Skateboarding is so much cooler now than when I was a kid. My brother and I used to ride around on our little red plastic skateboards. We were so lame...bragging,"Yeah, I went all the way down the hill on my butt. My sneakers got rubbed down pretty good in the heel - but...I'm pretty extreme." I think we even wore pads. We were so lame.

3.7.2001 I hate walking past street performers. - I generally have no intention of giving them money. Not because I don't appreciate it - in fact I love that people choose to entertain and share their craft in an open setting. But I hate the guilt trip. I hate that they sometimes get upset if you don't offer to chip in. Look, you chose a bad venue. It's not like I went into your juggling establishment and didn't pay. I'm just trying to get to a museum or buy a Chipwich. What's to prevent him from banging on my window at home while he makes three separate rings magically connect and yelling at me. "Hey, HEY.... you watching TV... I'm working out here! I'm trying to make a living ya jerk!" I like to "re-pay" them with my own entertainment. "Thanks, painted-guy-who-stands-still-all-day, I'd like to show my appreciation by doing some interpretive dancing for you. This is called 'Sit, Ubu, Sit - an ode to 80's TV" I guess I'm just bitter about my summers spent breakdancing for tokens outside the video arcade. Damn addictive Dig-Dug.

3.5.2001 My heart goes out to the families of everyone at Santana High School - especially to the two young men who will not enjoy another day. I taught high school in San Diego. I worked in an alternative school. Most of my students were behind in classes, most of them hated school. Some of them were pregnant. Some kept running away. Some had drug addictions. Some were violent. Some were in gangs... many were a combination. Some were amazing. Some were extremely bright. Some were, as my brother says, 'eagles parading as chickens' - needing someone to convince them to fly. Some were hilarious, and creative, and caring. I loved when they realized that I was on their side. A fucking shooting in a high school in San Diego. Damn. Makes me angry. Makes me sad. Makes me cry. Makes me miss being a teacher. Makes me glad I'm not a teacher.

Is anyone really good at Tic-Tac-Toe? Are there Tic-Tac-Toe champions, like there are Chess Masters? Are there little kids being trained by old 'Tac' Masters? It's kinda like idiot chess. There's only one "strategy" you can have... aside from hoping your competitor is a moron. Then again, I was never trained by a Master. In having this conversation with my friend, Dan (who is encouraging me to get a Palm Pilot so we can play tic-tac-toe during meetings) he found these results for the Tic-Tac-Toe championships from 1989 - 1999 (tie, tie, tie, tie, tie, tie, tie, tie, tie, tie). I imagine a lot of this overheard during our meetings. "Cat's game!" "Cat's game!" "Dan Wins, Kaya's a moron!" "Cat's game!" Don't get me started on my confusion with the phrase "Cat's Game"....

3.3.2001 How come I never have the desire to gorge on food that's good for me? It seems like food cravings/addictions are only things that are bad for you. You almost never hear, "Oh man... I got a bag of pre-washed spinach while I was at the store... and I ate the whole thing before I got home." Or "I just can't stop eating these apples... ugh, I ate like seven last night." Instead it's ice cream, chips, chocolate... or better yet, chocolate ice cream chips. Hmmmmm. I want to hear: "Do I look fit? Ugh, this morning, I drove by the Krispy Kreme donut shop, which, as you know is right next to the soup place... the lentil soup was still warm... I must've eaten 6 bowls. They just melted in my mouth."

3.2.2001 Why do men (and perhaps women - although I'm frequently reminded that despite being "in touch" with my feminine side it is inappropriate for me to be in the Ladies room) flush before they pee. What is the concern about mixing one's urine with previous urine? Is it a unique offering to some waste deity that you don't want muddled. Do you also empty the trash each time before you put your own, personal trash in the can? "This is my trash... not to be confused with anyone else's." Hey, I'm not saying you shouldn't flush - in fact, I think indoor plumbing is what separates us from the hillbillies - but it just seems like a waste of water to flush before and after you urinate. I'm just trying to be environmental... and who doesn't like talking 'bout urine?!