touch my pecs...come on, baby.

Bigger. Faster. Stronger.

     There's been a lot of hubbub about performance-enhancing drugs.

     Olympians have been stripped of medals, World records have been scratched, athletes have lost the respect of their fans. All over a few lousy drugs.

     I don't get this at all. If I'm gonna pay to see pro athletes, I want to see the best in the world. Bigger, stronger, faster… BY ANY MEANS NECCESARY.


     That's why no one cares about the flyweight boxing champion. As talented an athlete as he may be, he would get his ass beat by the heavyweight champion. We want to see the baddest Mo-Fo on the planet. We don't care if one competitor weighs more or is taller or is pumped full of designer drugs. Was it an even match-up when Hulk Hogan had to wrestle Andre the Giant? Hell no! And who cares?. That's the kind of freakish gladiator warfare we want to see. No one wants to watch a bunch of sports figures who aren't performing at their potential. "Aw! Rice woulda had that ball if was on the juice! Get him some drugs, coach!!!"

     Most professional athletes are already freakish. If you are over 7 feet tall, you are circus sideshow material. Same goes with a 400 lb. lineman. Or a Ken-doll-sized horse jockey. These people would be stared-at were it not for the pro sports that embrace such freakish abnormalities. Do we think its "unfair" to allow genetic mutations in professional sports? Yet, we get all in a huff when someone's bloodstream is coursing with horse hormones. So if God makes you a mutant, fine. But if chemicals do it, it's not allowed?! How fair is THAT!?

     And what about training and diet? Training and diet are undeniably "performance enhancing." Is it unfair to eat a healthy diet and adhere to a workout regimen?

     So why draw the arbitrary line at drugs? I say, "Unleash the floodgates!"

     It's time for a new era of sports excellence.

     Let's let the new millenium be The Bionic Era!

     Bring on the drugs! Next year every rookie should hit over 70 homeruns. Runners will break the 2 minute mile barrier. Long jump pits will have To be extended.

     It's time for some real competition. And let's not stop at drugs! I think surgery should be a part of every world class athlete's training regimen.

     Imagine how dominant the US swim team would be with surgically grafted webbed hands and feet!

     And don't get me started on the benefits of transplanting horse tendons into human sprinters.


     Pro sports should take a lesson from pornography. A porn starlet would have a hard time making it with natural breasts. It's just impossible to compete with surgical augmentation. If you want normal breasts, go feel up the woman on the bus next to you… Porn is there to provide the cartoonish extremes.

     Same with sports. You want normal athletes? Go check out the YMCA gymnasium. The Pros should demonstrate the freakish limits of physical ability.

     Down the line, bioengineering should eliminate the need for surgery as we actually create athletes from the fetal stage.

     I look forward to a day when the Olympic Training Center looks like the cantina scene from Star Wars.

     Until that time, we'll just have to watch these drug-free wussies playing their childish games.

     Anybody know a Mexican clinic that has experience with horse tendons?


Other sports Tales:
Going Over The Line

SuperBowl '97

Buy Me Some Peanuts...and Bring Me A Pillow.

Prehensile Tales distrusts Joe Weider

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