Vibe July 99

Vibe Me, Baby! VII

This is the 7th installment of Prehensile Paging.

Any message you type on the pager contact page appears anonomously on my hip in about 10 seconds or so.

You people are some funny folks.

Here are some of the more memorable recent pages (in bold) and my responses:

Baby I just love your spot on the web.

Yeah, I'm sorry about that spot. I meant to clean that up. Got a bit excited, I guess.

Ever had a blowjob from a monkey? me neither.

I don't do well with primates. Most of the cute ones are still bitter that I took the "prehensile" domain name. But there is a hot orangutan that seems to be warming up to me. She's a red-head.

You talk about your penis a lot. I think you neglect the real heroes, your balls. Let's hear more about them, please.

Well they were born in 1971 along with the rest of my genitalia. They were surgically removed from my body at age 5. Then kept alive in a tank during my formative years. They were only placed back into my scrotum a few months ago. So, truth be told, there's not much to say.

help me hump the moose

Sorry, I'm still bruised from last time. But, good luck and watch out for those hind legs. And remember that, to a moose, "No" means "No."

I like dogs, and chocolate pudding... but not at the same time. How about you?

I don't like dogs much. I'm allergic to them. I break out in hives every time I eat one. And I find the meat tough and flavorless. Luckily, there's always room for pudding.

Do you have the same qualms I do trying to eat "Otis Spunkmeyer" muffins?

Totally! Some food items' names make them inedible. "Spumoni," for example. I can't eat anything with the first syllable, "Spoo." "Bratwurst" doesn't sound like something you should put in your body, either.

Nobody's creepy from the inside, Halcyon.

I beg to differ. Ever seen those orthoscopic cams or the surgery footage on the Discovery channel? All that blood and ligament stuff is WAY creepy. Nothing makes a date turn creepy faster than a gaping wound.

Remember when you were in elementary school, and used to put your hands together and slide them in between of your friend's hands (who was doing the same thing), and it looked like a vulva? I need a nice girl who will do that with me now. Sigh.

You should write a personal ad, "SWM. Seeks nice girl with limber hands. Must be adept at making that fake vulva playground trick. Attach photo of the webbed space between your fingers."

do you have an erection now?

Not now. Wait…now I do. Oh, nope, not anymore. Oops, there it's back. Aaaand it's gone, again. (Repeat this process 800 times and you have a pretty good idea of how I spend my days.)

Lick my motherboard!

If it makes her bored, then I'm doing something wrong.

Send me a sign you are not making this up

Okay. Expect boils and a plague of locusts. And your first child will be born with a Prehensile Tail.

will you sing me happy birthday if i learn how to blow out candles with my vagina?

Heck yeah. I'll even sing with my butt.

I keep trying to think up a witty page that'll win you over. But let's cut the small talk and have sex.

Now *that*'s the kinda talk that will always win me over.

Wanna sit on the washer with me when it hits the spin cycle?

The people at the Laundromat gave me shit for doing that. It was so embarrassing. And I had to pay for that lady to rewash all her clothes after my "accident."

when's the last time you had a donut?

"Had" in a sexual way? Several years at least. I always wonder if the Apple Fritter and I would have had a chance if she never caught me with that crueler. I suppose it was doomed. She never really forgave me for that brief fling with the maple bar.

I just want to lick you. PLEASE?

Substitute "first" for "Just" and we've got something.

okay, so what am *I* getting out of this?

It's always about YOU isn't it? "Where is *my* insulin", "*I* need to go to the hospital" ,"Get off of *my* hair." Sheesh.

Halcyon, I just turned your penis into a butterfly!

Is that some sort of a caterpillar jab? I know it's no anaconda…but a caterpillar? I feel so…*shriveled*

I put the 'P' back into Penis

You should talk with your doctor. The pee leaves your penis for a reason.

Do you ever get that not-so-fresh feeling?

Everytime I have a motor oil enema, hear Jon Lovitz' voice or eat an Otis Spunkmeyer cookie.